*digs nose into an open field of grass, lifts head, eyes filled with tears* This smells of my youth!
Passerby, “My dog just peed there, so probably because you used to wet yourself.”
Baseball is back.
“Hello, Genie, I have three wishes for this baseball season. My first wish: No one I roster get hurt. My 2nd wish: Everyone I roster do well. I drafted Bobby Witt Jr., Julio Rodriguez, and Seiya Suzuki, so, really, I’m doing much of the heavy lifting for this wish. My 3rd and final wish: All 3rd base coaches send runners home by doing the Moonwalk. Thanking you in advance, Genie. Wait a second, you’re not a genie, you’re Bartolo Colon in Blue Man Group paint. Damn you!”
Glad I didn’t waste a wish on losing a closer during some janky Chris Paddack trade, because that didn’t need a wish. Chris Paddack and Emilio Pagan were moved to the Twins for Taylor Rogers, Brent Rooker and cash. This trade was done as it snowed all across the baseball community. *intern whispers in ear* It wasn’t snow? It was dandruff from all the head scratching? Oh, I see. This feels like a deal we hear about in five years when the authorities figure out the Twins were secretly working with the Padres. Incredibly, the Padres tried to give Paddack away to everyone, then the Twins paid full price. Like, what even? For a month, every team was supposedly trying to acquire Paddack, when, in reality, it was just the Padres trying to give Paddack away for anything. Chris Paddack was so highly sought after that the Padres pretended to trade him to every team. Statcast sliders aren’t good and neither is Chris Paddack. I suppose if he can fix his fastball, but, allow this small cackle of truth, why didn’t he fix his fastball while in San Diego? Didn’t you feel like it? Um okay. So, I wouldn’t suddenly be interested in Paddack, outside of AL-Only leagues. I’ll go over the Padres and Twins’ pens on the other side of the anyway. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Taylor Rogers – Went the other way to the Padres. Taylor is about to go HAM!
Our Bullpen Chart has been updated, and bye-bye to Pierce Johnson and Robert Suarez. By the way, how is it that Pujols is in St. Louis and also in the Padres’ pen. If you get that joke, cool. If you don’t, do not under any circumstances go to the Wikipedia page for the Prince Albert Pierce Johnson. So, to recap, I’d go Rogers, because Bob Melvin says he’s the Padres’ closer.
C.J. Abrams – Made the Padres’ roster. Spielberg never made the opening day roster for the Padres so how will Abrams know what to do? Also, he didn’t start this game, because Padres’ manager Bob Melvin is still getting lineup decisions from A’s GM Billy Beane, but I still have hope Abrams will play. Gotta have hope after one game, right? Like you with your mom’s quilt, Abrams will be completely covered in this afternoon’s Buy. It’s already available on our Patreon.
Yu Darvish – 6 IP, 0 ER, 0 hits, 4 BBs, 3 Ks. Yu loves to see it. Me? Well, I don’t have him on any teams.
Drew Ellis – 0-for-2. I’m a cyclops with a monocle on him for my NL-Only leagues, and because I might start working as a caricaturist at the Statue of Liberty.
Madison Bumgarner 3 IP, 1 ER. Hey, look at that, Bum is still ass.
Seth Beer – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer, which was on National Beer Day. Elias Sports Bureau said this was the first time a game started by a Bum ended with a walk-off by a guy you could call up to Grab a Heiney.
Jorge Alcala – Left in the Minny Soda pen is nearly as much a mess as San Diego. Baldelli has said repeatedly he doesn’t believe in having a closer, and Rogers prolly wouldn’t have seen all the saves. Now? Maybe four guys see saves. Jorge Alcala at the head with Tyler Duffey as the horsey tail. Also, Emilio Pagan might sneak into a handful.
Yoan Moncada Hit the IL with a strained oblique, and will be out for at least the month of April. He reportedly feels it most when he sneezes or laughs. Cool, keep feathers away from him and get him out there! This should give Josh Harrison everyday playing time for a month. He won’t be in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell, because A) He’s here now. B) He’s Josh Harrison. C) There’s no C.
Aristides Aquino – 1-for-5, 1 run, 4 Ks, as he hit 2nd. Nobody does dumb like David Dumb Bell. You go and say something like, “You mean that famous author…what’s his name, William Shakesbeard?” And people are like, “Man, that guy is dumb.” But you’re not as dumb as Dumb Bell. You never will be! As for opening week lineups, don’t disregard them (also subscribe to our YouTube, you major ding-dongs!):
Brandon Drury 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and a homer. Elias Sports Bureau said this is the first time a Beer homered on the same day Drury, a name that makes you sound drunk when you say it.
Tyler Mahle – 5 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks. One start means nothing, but it sure feels better when it’s a good first start, right?
Tony Santillan – 1 IP, 0 ER and his 1st save. Fun to chase Reds saves every year and every year Dumb Bell accidentally sits on a cactus, and just blurts out a name. Sure, you can grab Santillan, but I’m not sure how clearcut it is.
Max Fried 5 2/3 IP, 5 ER. Meh, that’s okay. I just won’t look at that league’s standings until May.
Austin Riley – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. Riley’s gonna be top seven finisher in the NL MVP again and again get no respect, huh?
Spencer Strider – 2 IP, 0 ER, 0 baserunners, 5 Ks. Spencer for higher (points in the standings even if you don’t have a Holds category. Boy, he looked good.)
Diego Castillo – Made the Pirates! Noice! Kevin Newman got the start at short and hit 5th — um, what?
Ke’Bryan Hayes – Left the game with cramping in his thumb. Ugh, it’s his contract-signing hand.
JT Brubaker 3 IP, 4 ER. Just Terrible Brubaker.
Tyler O’Neill – 2-for-3, 5 RBIs and his 1st home run. Should’ve put some money down that he’d win the NL MVP. Homeboy is so dead sexy I can’t even.
Nolan Arenado – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. My father found a ticket to the first Opening Day we ever attended together. A keepsake that is priceless, that I’m going to haphazardly leave by this open window–NOOOOOO!!! Tornado!
Tommy Edman – 1-for-4 and his 1st homer, as he hit 9th. Hopefully, that helps move him out of the bottom of the order, because that is no bueno for Edhombre’s fantasy value.
Adam Wainwright – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks. “He can’t keep getting away with this!” — Father Time.
Juan Soto – 1-for-3 and his 1st homer. Wrap him in bubble wrap, and send four cases of Sexy Dr. Pepper to the end of September with 48 homers. Please.’
Patrick Corbin 4 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks. Cooked Corbin.
Pete Alonso – Tested negative for concussion after taking a fastball off his face. Alonso said, “The Mets doctors all gave me a clean bill of health,” and then he held up a crayon drawing of an ambulance.
Tylor Megill – 5 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 6 Ks. Five ladies and gentlemen, your Mets ace! Kidding aside, he can be solid, and rostered in just about any league, but the Nats, outside of Sexy Dr. Pepper, look bad. Well, aside from Maikel Franco (0-for-4), who is Donkey Teeth’s preseason MVP pick every year.
Matt Duffy – 2-for-3 as he hit cleanup. I would laugh if I wasn’t being driven Madd by MLB managers.
Taylor Ward – Hit the IL. That solidifies Marsh and Adell as everyday outfielders. dot dot dot. For about a week. Joe Maddon said Taylor Ward would be the starting right fielder when he returns. I don’t even know what that means. Is he messing with us? The Conjuring was cool, but I hate The Maddoning.
Shohei Ohtani – 4 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks, and 0-for-4 as he led-off. You know what kind of phenom you have to be to overshadow Mike Trout on your own team? The Ohtani kind.
Framber Valdez – 6 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 6 Ks. Angels have Ohtani and Trout and Astros just win. Astros are so workman-like, and not Brandon Workman.
Alex Bregman – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. Maybe we prematurely put him aside. Or maybe not. It’s one game. Don’t overrate anything. If this were a marathon, the gun hasn’t even fired for most of the teams.
Jordan Alvarez – 1-for-3 and his 1st homer. Okay, don’t overrate anything, but Yordan could 50 homers easily.
Anthony Bender – Don Mattingly said Bender would get first crack at closer role. Bender pulls on his collar like Rodney Dangerfield, “To be a closer, don’t you have to be winning?” Damn, Bender, what a terrible crack. Not good, man.
Bradley Zimmer Traded to the Jays. *Guardians seeing Steven Kwan walk once* “Get that other guy outta here!” Ya know what? The Guardians made the right call. Kwan now moves up–Wait, moving guys in rankings is over. Elsewhere, a Jays fan with cotton balls in their mouth, asking the fan in front of them to move, so they can see the dugout, “Do me a favor…” Then pointing to the bench, “Look-a Bra-Zi. ”
Shane Bieber – 4 2/3 IP, 1 ER, and his velocity was way down. Told everyone to avoid him in drafts. Hope you listened.
Zack Greenke 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 1K. Streamonator liked him yesterday, did you dare stream on Opening Day?
Scott Barlow – 2 IP, 0 ER, as he entered the 8th. Went with Barlow for saves and a challenge at limbo, but I’ll take the vulture win. Barlow is still the closer, or the closest the Royals have to one.
Matt Barnes – Alex Cora said he doesn’t have a set closer, then said Matt Barnes is his closer and, “Do we have anyone else?” Adding, “Don’t say Garrett Whitlock.”
Mickey Moniak – Out with a fractured hand. Damn, he can’t catch a break. Hmm, bad choice of words.
Rowan Wick – 2/3 IP, 1 ER, as he just randomly entered the 8th inning for no apparent reason. His closer leash isn’t short, that Wick is burnt. I’d guess David Robertson (1 IP, 0 ER) since he recorded the 1st save of the year. Sometimes, that’s all a guy needs.
Kyle Hendricks 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks. Can’t believe the Cubs let the “Rookie of the Year” kid pitch on Opening Day. Before people think this is a Hendricks career resurgence, he was just throwing changes and letting the wind do all the work.
Nico Hoerner – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 1st home run, and on pace for 162 homers. Our first hot schmotato! Maybe. Too early to say, but no matter what the wind was doing, Hoerner did get all of it.
Corbin Burnes – 5 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, as he was outpitched by Hendricks. El oh *coughs repeatedly* Yeah, Burnes was like a Kuntz — rusty.
Christian Yelich – 0-for-3. Ah…baseball… *deep inhale* …Christian Yelich grounds out… Welcome back!