Padres’ Home Opener Electricity Provided By Man-Power

motivational speaker, Manny Machado, entered the Padres’ clubhouse before yesterday’s contest and asked new head coach, Bob Melvin, if he could speak. His teammates’ rapt attention centered on Manny, and he spoke, “I won’t always run hard to first, 2nd, third or home. I will usually ask for a golf cart to take me out to 3rd base between innings. When it’s my time in the on-deck circle, I will ask the umps if I can put on water wings and slap around in a kiddie pool. When that clock strikes April 19th, I will check out until sometime in July. But I am telling you right now, you have every piece of me from this moment here, until roughly ten o’clock on April 18th, then again sometime in July. And I will take you where you need to go, so hop on!” And with that Wil Myers stood and began to clap at first. Then he elbowed Eric Hosmer (4-for-5, 1 run, 2 RBIs), who was dreaming of grounding out to 2nd base, and he stood and clapped too. And, before anyone knew it, the entire clubhouse was in a rousing ovation for their leader, Manny Machado — the best clubhouse guy a team could hope for. Then, as the ovation began to dissipate, Machado asked Luke Voit if he could drive the golf cart that would take him out to the field. So, yesterday, Manny Machado (5-for-6, 4 runs, 2 RBIs) hit his 1st homer, a 111 MPH shot into left field, and two steals for the magnificent slam and double legs. This was Machado’s 2nd career five-hit night. Five hits, 4 runs, 2 SBs with a homer in a game had only been done three times since 1987 — Andrew McCutchen, Carl Crawford and Tony Gwynn. Machado gets a bad rap; he does usually put up top 25 overall type numbers, as long as Voit continues to gas up the golf cart. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Blake Snell Hit the IL with a strained adductor muscle. More like Blake Snail! Yes, I will keep doing that joke until I get a reaction. Deal with it! MacKenzie Gore will be taking Snell’s place, and, if he’s good, he won’t be going anywhere. I mean, he’ll follow the Padres club, because he’ll be pitching with them.

C.J. Abrams – 1-for-5 and his 1st major league homer. I know at least a few of you used your waiver wire priority to grab him last week, and now have to use your waiver wire priority again to pick him back up after dropping him on Wednesday. Wouldn’t be me. Nah, man, I’m not that dumb! We use FAAB, so I have to wait ’til Sunday to make my 2nd claim on him! Roughly 26 weeks in the year, and I’m on pace to pick up and drop Abrams 25 times.

Joe Musgrove – 6 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 1.42. Long season, much time to debate if I’m smart or very smart, but I did say in the preseason that all the people talking about Musgrove being worse in the 2nd half of last year weren’t accounting for him possibly just being a good 1st half pitcher. More to come, hopefully, and plenty of time to trade him before the 2nd half, if we find out that’s what’s going on.

Ozzie Albies – 1-for-4 and his 2nd homer. First home run was off Dee Strange-Gordon and yesterday’s was in the 9th, while down by 12 runs. We stan forever the King of Garbage Time Homers, Ozzie Albies.

Jarred Kelenic – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. Wait, so the best prospect of the last two years isn’t awful because he had a bad week? I was told he was awful now. I was led to? By who? Whom? Someone tell me if it’s ‘who’ or ‘whom’ and who/whom lied to me!

Julio Rodriguez – 1-for-3, and his 2nd steal, hitting .095. “Hey, man, I’m sorry, but if you’re going near a cliff, can you drop this over–Wait, he’s breathing! Julio Rodriguez is alive!”

Mitch Haniger – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Surprised there weren’t more homers hit yesterday in the White Sox/Mariners game, because of the gale-force winds that were swirling through the park. Also, happy that Dee Strange-Gordon is no longer a Mariner. He would’ve been blown to Naperville.

Logan Gilbert – 5 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 0.90. Kinda wish I had him in a few leagues. Or one. He looks about as good as I’ve seen early on. AL and NL Cy Youngs are basically Logan Gilbert and Sean Manaea.

Daniel Vogelbach – 4-for-6, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. Vogelbach came within a triple of the cycle. Or, I should say, Vogelbach came within “the entire Nats team fainting simultaneously so he could leg out a triple” of the cycle.

Roansy Contreras – 3 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.86, as he entered the 6th. I’m not even sure the Pirates can mess up this guy’s arm. If he’s pitching three-to-four innings every fifth day, it doesn’t matter if it’s in relief or to start the game, he could have value.

Bryan Reynolds – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Vogelbach and Reynolds both took Joan Adon deep. A great feminist beat poet, not the best pitcher.

Jonathan India – Pulled up lame running through first and I want to die. Fantasy Baseball Overlord, why do you smite me? FBO, “To show you my power, and because I was bored.” Joke’s aside — were these jokes?! — India’s injury didn’t look that bad.

Aristides Aquino – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. All hail the GGOATOAT! May his home runs come in an insane barrage of ten in twelve days, then go cold again for 26 months.

Walker Buehler – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners (3 BBs), 4 Ks, ERA at 3.38. Not to be Mr. Bad News Bears about guys I don’t like, but that BB:K is Not:Good.

Will Smith – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 1st homer. Damn, did a Reds pitcher say something about alopecia?

Mychal Givens – 1 IP, 0 ER and his 1st save. What’s going on, David Ross…bertson? Givens will likely see some saves, and, if he pitches like he did last night, he should. Plus, Robertson has injury concerns, and prolly can’t work too many games in a week.

Adalberto Mondesi – 0-for-3, 1 run and two steals (2, 3), hitting .143. Go oh-for-the-season and steal 50 bags, and Daddy will tuck you in at night and read you a bedtime story about SAGNOF and the Three Bears (who drafted Merrifield, Straw and Starling Marte crazy high).

Aaron Ashby Officially starting on Sunday. He won’t be in this afternoon’s Buy column, but consider this the scream in your ear you need to activate your waiver wire finger.

Brandon Woodruff – 5IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 7.27. Brandon, you send me. Brandon, you send me. Set Woodruff-t On Starter Bliss.

Omar Narvaez – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. “A homer? Hitting the ball in the air? Check out this showoff!” That’s Christian Yelich.

Tommy Edman 1-for-2 and his 2nd homer, hitting .400. Our writer Coolwhip said that Edman was hitting the ball harder. Honestly, I have no idea because I was looking at India’s injury happening in slo-mo and trying to pinpoint the moment I would need to travel back in time to.

Jazz Chisholm – 0-for-2, 1 run, as he bats 9th to my loud, echoing cackles.What is Jazz doing batting 9th? Has anyone asked Mattingly if Jorge Soler has blackmail photos of him?

Garrett Cooper – 1-for-3, and his 1st homer. Won’t be in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell — which is already available on our Patreon — but Cooper could be on the start of a hot schmotato run.

Kyle Gibson 4 2/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 3.09. Damn, he came up three weeks shy of being April’s pitcher of the month.

Teoscar Hernandez – Hit the IL with an oblique injury. …and the Teoscar goes to me for Crying Over Losing A Player On Your Fantasy Team.

Luis Severino – 5 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.25. Imagine if you will a closer, let’s call him Charoldis Apman, and he can’t find the plate, coming in and walking the bases loaded. The opposite of that? That was Luis Severino. His stamina might not be all the way back yet, but he looked worthwhile for all leagues. As for Aroldis Chapman, he just looked off, but if you want to handcuff with Lasagna, hey, I’m half-Italian, I’m not stopping you.

Cole Irvin – 6 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 5.40. Since this was the only game on in the morning yesterday, I watched Gerrit Cole Irvin, and he looked pretty solid, aside from a late homer to B. Lowe (that went A. Bove the fence). Slider cutting in on righties, and kept the other junk on the outside. Not impressive enough to say he’s not a Streamonator call yet in mixed leagues, but it does like his next.

Josh Fleming 3 1/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 4.05. Fun fact! Josh Fleming can also be called “Thank God, it’s not Covid.”

Sean Murphy – 2-for-4, 1 RBI and hitting third, even on his off days. All right, I grabbed him. Let’s go, you nerds!

Christian Pache 2-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI, hitting .304. This A’s offense is too potent — break them up! Oh, wait.

Corey Seager – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer, hitting .346. Rangers’ $500 million-dollar lineup doesn’t play around! And their pitching is why their record is 2-4.

Shohei Ohtani 3 2/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 7.56, 1-for-4, 1 run. Let me set the stage. Cougs and I were eating dinner and I was like, “Yo, Cougs, let’s put the TV on Ohtani. He’s pitching tonight.” And she was like, “Because you want to recount this tomorrow in the post?” Haha, I laughed, “No, because he’s really good.” Then, almost instantly, Jonah Heim (3-for-4, 3 runs, 5 RBIs) hits a grand slam, his 2nd homer. And she was like, “Is Jonah Heim good?” And I said, “No, he’s Superbad.”

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