Land of The Freeman The Homer Off The Braves

Freddie Freeman (1-for-3, 2 runs and 1st homer) wasted no time making the Braves regret the way they treated him this offseason. First at-bat, Freddie Freeman stepped towards the box, but first he asked to see the mic the umps use to announce the bad calls they make to the crowds. Freeman leaned into the mic and said, “Tell Acuña it’s mutual, I don’t like him either,” then took the 2nd pitch of the at-bat to deep left, the oppo taco as they call it in Mexico, and his first home run of the year was tagged. As he sashayed across the plate, he snapped and said, “Braves ain’t gettin’ none of this.” Snap! Speaking of which, what do you call every image of Freddie Freeman? Tooth pics. Take it, Highlights! It’s yours! Freeman sure has some teeth, right? The molar the merrier with that guy. Stop stop, he’s got fillings too! Okay, I will stop reading bad joke posters at a kiddie dentist now. So many games were postponed, but some still to go over, tooth be told. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Clayton Kershaw – 5 IP, 4 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.00. Yeah, but he threw more pitches though, so this was a better start.

Cody Bellinger – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. So, before I was out on Cody Bellinger, I was ‘really out’ on Cody Bellinger, but before I was ‘really out on him,’ I was ‘so totally out on him,’ but before I was ‘so totally out on him’ him,’ I did think if he figured it out, he could be solid, unlike Yelich, so I was just out on and never back in on, then out again multiple times.

Huascar Ynoa 3 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 13.50. Ynoa, that sucked.

Ozzie Albies – 1-for-5 and his 5th homer. Let Acuña come back already so Albies can stop hitting leadoff, and I can get some RBIs with all these Albies homers.

Eric Lauer – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.48. He was a popular sleeper in fantasy leagues this year. Not by me, but by people. People I invented who don’t exist? No, real people. The narrative went “Brewers are good with pitchers, Lauer is a Brewers pitcher, ergo.” I didn’t fully buy in for draft season, but if I were afforded the opportunity to grab him off waivers, I could see it.

Christian Yelich – 2-for-3, 4 RBIs and his 1st homer, a grand salami. Which rhymes with Yelich’s mommy. Hmm…Prolly just a coincidence. Yelich looks super cooked. This home run against the very awful Pirates aside, his Launch Angle is putrid. Maybe he comes out of it, but Yelich sat dead-red on a softball change and hit it out. Against real pitchers, he’s been hitting them hard to 2nd base.

Diego Castillo – 2-for-4 and his 1st homer.

Ryan Pressly – Said he’s feeling great. Exactly what you want to hear a day after he’s placed on the IL.

Jordan Alvarez – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and his 2nd and 3rd homer, as he was activated from the Covid-IL. Don’t want to get ahead of myself with Captain Woo Cubano, but a 50-homer season is incoming.

Jose Altuve – Left yesterday’s game and might’ve tweaked his hamstring. Excuse me, with Altuve it’s a cocktail weenie string.

Luis Garcia – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.79. The whole rocking-the-baby-to-sleep pitching motion only works if you put up a boring line with no earned runs. Three earned and I can’t sleep in your arms.

Michael Lorenzen – 3 1/3 IP 4 ER, ERA at 4.82. How long until the Angels are like, “So, can you, like, hit?”

Max Stassi – 1-for-3 and his 2nd homer. There’s no secret police about this Stassi!

Jonathan India – David Bell said India won’t start any games before Friday. Wait until Dumb Bell hears about IL stints. Game changer!

Nick Senzel – Activated from the IL, after recovering from the stomach bug that is going around the Reds’ clubhouse. Mean’s while, Tyler Naquin hits the IL. Reds are playing musical chairs with a toilet.

Nick Lodolo – 5 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 8.00. Yolo Lodolo has become Yodefd Lodolo (You Die Every Fifth Day). Well, it could’ve been worse. He had eight Ks, and five groundouts in five innings. Only fly ball left the park though.

Tommy Pham – 3-for-4 and his 1st homer. Triumphant return for Pham! To San Diego that is, not to the Champagne Room.

Manny Machado – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. I think I see what’s going on here. Manny is carrying the team without Tatis, so this way he can lay it at Tatis’s feet when they don’t make the playoffs.

Bryce Harper – 1-for-4 as he deals with elbow soreness. Was a bit of a non-story a few days ago when Harper threw the ball back to the infield and grabbed at his elbow. Didn’t see anyone reporting on it, but all I could think was it looked like the kind of injury that produces one of these lines, “Yeah, my elbow has been bothering me all year,” which he says in October after having a bad season.

Aaron Nola – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 5.52. Honestly, in Coors, I expected worse.

Chad Kuhl – 6 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 0.87, but left with an injury. Not Kuhl.

Charlie Blackmon – 1-for-2, 2 runs and his 1st homer. “Feathered hair flowing, spur of the boot into the side of the horse, that’s Chazz Noir, pardner. And he doesn’t get older, he gets better.” That’s Bud Black reading a Chazz Noir romance novel about the old cowboy who rides a horse that has tennis balls on its hooves to mimic a walker.

Lou Trivino Hit the Covid-19 IL, along with AJ Puk, Kirby Snead, Jed Lowrie, Chad Pinder and Austin Allen. My suggestion is to trade one of these guys to each AL West rival, then let them superspread in the clubhouse and then you run rampant, so to speak, through the division. Imagine this: Maddon, “Hey, AJ Puk, glad we have you on the Angels now after your trade, you’re gonna be super valuable.” Then AJ Puk stands super close to Ohtani and Trout, and coughs. Not really sure how long Trivino will be out or who will get the saves while he’s out. My guess is Dany Jimenez or Domingo Acevedo and neither are worthwhile.

Frankie Montas – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.63. Between Montas and Manaea, daddy’s pitching is doing fine, thanks for asking.

Shane McClanahan – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.40. Out-of-town announcers are hilarious. Yesterday, they were like, “McClanahan is going to be a star one day.” Dudes, he is a star. Right now. He’s even putting an ace-whipping on your team.

Frank Schwindel – 1-for-4 and his 2nd homer. More like Schwingdel! Is that something? Something to stop? How about schomething to schtop? Still less? Okay. Schwindel homered a few days ago, and might be starting up the hot schwotato!

Patrick Wisdom – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. Hey, not to judge, but true Wisdom would be homering every at-bat.

Dylan Bundy – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 0.87. Not sure what I did in a former life to always be in on guys a year before they break out, but how do I make retribution for it? Can I give to a charity of God’s choice? Okay, so the Sawx had their B team in there yesterday, and Bundy’s become a different pitcher so far this year — or fart his year, if you’re reading fast — but it’s not all good. His 7 K/9, 0.9 BB/9 is not sustainable. Maybe he has some value, and I wouldn’t be opposed if the Streamonator likes him for a matchup — watch out if the matches up and you’re going to fart his year — but he doesn’t look like newfound awesome.

Jorge Polanco – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 2nd homer. *makes siren noises* Uh-oh, here comes the JoPo.

Christian Vazquez – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. Aw sookie! Thus begins Christian Vazquez’s one week hot streak in April. Get in while the gettin’s still worth gettin’.

Rich Hill 4 2/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 7.00. There might be some truth to the rumors that Rich Hill is a vampire. He never ages, he sucks during the day, and he was beaten by Garlick.

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