Eloy Jamonshreds – Razzball Fantasy Baseball

In November, White Sox front office contacts Eloy Jimenez to discuss his offseason conditioning, and he’s like, “Conditioning? Yeah, of course, I’m doing offseason conditioning,” then he looks in the mirror in his shower and smiles, hair filled with conditioner. Eloy Jimenez gets himself ready for each game with a very special pregame warm-up. He warms up and opens a button on his shirt. Warms up more, and opens another button. I was curious why Statcast said Eloy Jimenez’s exit velocity was “one to three weeks into each season,” but now I see what they meant. Seriously, though, what is going on?! Last year, he jumped for a home run ball that was 75 feet past his reach, and knocked himself out for months, and this weekend he strains his hamstring by running like an absolute madman through 1st base. Someone needs to pull him aside and be like, “Yo, my main man, you’re here to swing hard and hit homers. You can’t run fast, you don’t have Inspector Gadget arms to catch home runs. Just swing hard. That’s it.” I love this guy so much and he causes me so much pain. Almost as much pain as he causes himself. So, he will be out for six to eight weeks, and Tony La Russa will still find reasons to bench Andrew Vaughn! Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Tim Anderson – 2-for-5, 2 runs and a slam (2) and legs (3). Leading that high-powered offense–Oh, wait, they’re penciling Mendick into their lineup, and I’m not talking their locker room. Well, Mendick homered. And Danny too.

Lucas Giolito – 4 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 1.13, as he returned from the IL. Kevin from ESPN’s Get Him In Your Lineup Department said, “I forgot my N95 mask, so I’m going to wear this Jason Voorhees hockey mask during my annual review. Ignore the dripping blood, it’s not real.”

Liam Hendriks – 1 1/3 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 6.14. He looked like he tweaked himself on a pitch. He didn’t look bad afterwards, and no one really talked about it, so it might be nothing, but I absolutely grabbed Bummer and Graveman, where I could. By the by, the White Sox’s Bummer/Graveman? They’re subconsciously dead in the water.

Byron Buxton – 2-for-5, 5 RBIs and his 5th and 6th homer. He could absolutely have a top-ten-on-the-Player Rater type year. I won’t believe it until I see it, but it could happen.

Dylan Bundy – 5 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 0.59. Just made my first FAAB bid on Bundy — Bindy? — and it was $7 out of $1000, so I did not win him, and I exhaled.

John Means Underwent Tommy John surgery. A little known fact, Tommy John never even went to med school.

Jo Adel – 1-for-3, 4 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .245. Wrote a sleeper post about him, so you know I love him, but the Angels’ lineups are Maddoning.

Austin Hays – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. Legit forgot I had him on, like, nine of 12 teams, and only missing him on NL-Only league teams. Might be the guy on more of my teams than anyone else. Perhaps he could get hot, then phone up two guys I have everywhere in Kyle Tucker and Bo Bichette, and tell them how he did it.

Kyle Hendricks – 7 IP, 0 ER, 2 hits, zero walks, 2 Ks, ERA at 3.98, as the Cubs put up 21 runs and Hendricks cruised out to Ivictory Coast for a free night at the W. Streamonator hates his next start, and I don’t disagree.

Ian Happ – 1-for-3 and his 1st homer. “Hey, if we use the meat grinder, we could make him into a giant sausage–Whoa! Hold on! Ian Happ’s alive!”

Luke Voit – Hit the IL with a biceps tendon injury, specifically he was diagnosed with Musher’s Arm. It’s an injury often associated with head mushing. For further information, see WebMD’s entry for Musher’s Arm and/or karma.

Yu Darvish – 6 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 3 walks, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.43. Yu can still strikeout guys without command. Yu don’t say? No, actions speak louder.

Sean Manaea – 4 1/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 3.47. Welp, that sucked. Luckily, he only has to face the Dodgers *looks at schedule* Eff me.

Cody Bellinger – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 3rd and 4th homer. That he took a lefty deep was the most impressed I’ve been by him since before the forearm bash in the 2020 playoffs that derailed his entire career. Maybe he really is fixed.

Robbie Ray – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.91. Velocity is still an issue, but it was up slightly from his last start, and seemed to gradually get better as the game went on. Still think you should be holding him as I say in this video:

Ty France – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .375. *screws hose into a fire hydrant, points hose at Ty France, turns it on* This is for your own good! You’re on fire!

Drew Steckenrider – 1 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 4.05. Mariners might want to Steck ‘n ride someone else as their closer, since they have three better arms. Andres Munoz is my fave right now, but Sewald’ll be back soon, and even Castillo looks better than Steckenrider.

Hunter Dozier – 1-for-5 and his 3rd homer. He was in Friday’s Buy, so Dozier’s been hot for a minute. An Urban Dictionary minute, which is a long time? Well, “long time” is subjective, I guess.

Yadiel Hernandez – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer. This should be Luis Garcia’s job. No, not the Astros’ starter. No, not the Padres’ reliever. The other one.

Anthony DeSclafani – Hit the 10-day IL with ankle inflammation. You can tell by the way Tony Disco was walking that he had no time to talk about his next start.

Joc Pederson – 3-for-3, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 4th and 5th homer. *opens fortune cookie* “If you can platoon him, then you will find great opportun–” What? My fortune was cut off! Opportunity?

Michael Conforto – Underwent shoulder surgery and will miss all of 2022. Sometimes you hold out for a big payday, and you end up eating a Payday candy bar with your one good arm.

Zack Wheeler – 5 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 8.53. He’s doing well (for a guy who had arm trouble in the preseason). If you have parenthetical blindness, you’re so confused now.

Eric Lauer – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 13 Ks, ERA at 2.20. Oh, okay. Wait. What? Brewers’ pitching coaches are Miracle Workers. Let them touch your sick, they will heal them. Let them touch your infirm, they will cure them. Wait, that’s the same thing. He has more velocity; he’s using his cutter and curve more, and almost completely abandoned his change. Whatever the case, it’s working for him, and I’d grab him all over like a lecherous uncle. Also, Coolwhip just gave you his Eric Lauer fantasy.

Tyler Mahle – 4 1/3 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 6.88. T. Mahle giving major indigestion. Not dropping him yet, but the Streamonator says to bench him for his next start, and I agree.

Nick Lodolo – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 5.52. YOLO Lodolo!

Lucas Sims – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 9.00, and his 1st save, as Santillan and Warren set him up. Seemed clear cut that Sims is the closer in Cincy. Or, I guess, Dumb Bell had no clue what inning it was.

Christian Walker – 1-for-4 and his 4th homer, and 2nd homer in three games. Hot schmotato alert! Also, Christian Walker hitting in front of Seth Beer, and putting Walker and Beer together, is just hitting responsibly.

Madison Bumgarner – 5 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 1.00. His K/9 and BB/9 are 6.5 and 5. Respectively, or disrespectively, that sucks.

Tylor Megill – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.35. Just keep him away from the Mets’ trainers!

Cole Irvin – 5 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.32. Streamonator was a little positive on this start, and a little negative on his next, but I’d start him at home for your standard issue Medi-OAKer.

Stephen Piscotty – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. How did I not know Piscotty was still a major leaguer? Piscotty doesn’t know! Piscotty doesn’t know!

Tanner Scott – 1/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 6.14. Got his 2nd save on Saturday, and Mattingly tried to go back to the “Why is Tanner Scott the guy you’re choosing to use as the closer” well, and that didn’t work on Sunday. Bender is dealing with hip soreness. Seems appropriately named. Anthony Stiffer amiright?! High five me! No? Okay. Cole Sulser would be my guess for a fill-in, but Mattingly started Jazz in the 9-hole for three weeks, so who knows, maybe it’s Scott’s job. Might be a committee. Head of that committee? Prolly not Louis, who got Sunday’s save; he’s just a Head.

Jesus Luzardo – 5 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners (4 BBs), 8 Ks, ERA at 3.77. His stuff is so filthy, but no command is very scary. As they say at a faith healers convention, please use caution with Jesus.

Bryce Elder 4 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 5 hits, 6 walks, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.30. I had a bid in on him in NL-Only and I lowered it by half after this start. As for mixed leagues, Streamonator hates his next, and big agree.

Garrett Whitlock – 4 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, zero walks, 7 Ks, ERA at 0.66. The William H. Macy of pitchers. Put this guy in any role and he’s great.

Shane McClanahan – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.45. Think most people who undervalue Shane McClanahan have simply never seen him pitch. We call these people, Never Seenanans. Us? We’re McClanaseens.

Vidal Brujan – 0-for-3 as he was called up. Just lost my shizz falling off my seat to pick up Brujan. “What an idiot you are! He’s just going to get sent right back down.” That’s my seat. See, fart on your seat, and it talks shizz. Any hoo! Brujan is likely only up for a short period of time, but ya never know if he’s going to hit and stay around. Or he might be a bench guy for three days. Impossible to say, but I did grab him in a few leagues where I needed speed (everywhere) with hope he stays.

Cristian Javier – Will join the rotation on Wednesday. Absolutely go grab him. Yes, even in that shallow league. He could be a number two to three starter for 100+ IP. Dusty Baker noted that the Astros will go to a six-man rotation for the time being but Jake’s more scrambled than Odorizzi.

Jeremy Pena – 1-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, as he walked it off vs. Romano. Say cheese, b***h.

Lourdes Gurriel Jr. – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. *quietly walks up behind someone and screams* Lou-Gu-Ju!

Zack Collins – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Will he be Sal Perez? El oh no. Cmon. But imagine paying for a catcher in any league when you can get Zack Collins anywhere.

Alex Colome – 1 IP, 2 ER, ERA and 6.35, and his 2nd save, and Daniel Bard hasn’t saved a game since last week. It’s either Bard is hurt or Bud Black forgot who his closer is. Prolly an injury, but can’t rule out a Bud brain fart.

Randal Grichuk – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. Hey, finally he matches Raimel Tapia’s 2022 home run total!

Chad Kuhl – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 1.10. Kuhl as ice. He’s a Chad man.

Miguel Cabrera – Got his 3,000th hit on Saturday. Next guy to 3,000 hits will be Steven Kwan and it will be this year.

Tarik Skubal – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.30. Mean’s while, Matt Manning and Casey Mize are rooting him on by nodding their heads enthusiastically. “Are you not clapping because you can’t lift your arms?” They nod enthusiastically.

Nestor Cortes – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 3 baserunners (1 hit), 8 Ks, ERA at 1.15. Just gave you my Nestor Cortes fantasy, which was a long-winded way of pointing to Coolwhip’s Nestor Cortes fantasy.

Gerrit Cole – 6 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 4.00. Billy Crystal gets stopped at the front gate, blocked from entering the stadium, and good things happen with Gerrit Cole. It’s not so hard to understand.

Anthony Rizzo – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer. HR to the Izzombino!

Aaron Civale 3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 9.58. To the tune of Sinatra’s Forget Domani, “Let’s forget about Civale.”

Myles Straw – 0-for-4. Not sure how many people saw on Saturday, but Straw climbed the right field fence to jaw with the Yankees fans. This could be one way MLB separates itself from other sports. Let’s face it, the 7th inning stretch has gotten old. Let’s do the 7th inning Screaming Match. Every 7th inning a player the team chooses goes up to the first row and screams at a fan. Could be a money maker for teams too. How much would you pay to scream at a player? Eloy’s first game back? I’m taking out a 2nd mortgage to scream at him. “STOP RUNNING SO HARD!”

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