Twins Hope Miranda Rights The Ship

Last week Prospect Itch drew up his Prospect Must Stash List. He made a caricature of each minor leaguer he was interested in and added a little mustache. It really was quite remarkable…*intern whispers in ear*…I see, so being told he absolutely did not do that, but instead he gave you all his prospects he’s stashing in redraft leagues. Jose Miranda was on that must stash list, and his mustache was–*intern leans in fantastic, annoyed*–Miranda did not have a drawn-on mustache. So, I gave you a Jose Miranda fantasy back in October of last year. There I said, “(He) possesses the usual Twins’ tendencies — Twindencies? — he doesn’t strike out at all and doesn’t walk a ton. At 23 years of age, Miranda ended 2021 across two levels (Double and Triple-A) with 30/4 and .344/.400/.575 with a 12% strikeout rate. Beginning to think he’s Luis Arraez with 30 homer-power. His contact skills won’t just disappear, even if they fade a little because the majors are tougher than the minors, he’ll still hit .280 with a 17-19% strikeout rate.” And that’s me quoting me! To compare him to a non-Twins player, he’s like a poor man’s Ty France. I will call him, Miranda’s In France To Stop Carrie From Marrying Mr. Big Because He’s About To Get MeToo’d. With him being recalled by the Twins — hey, I just remembered, we have a top prospect! — I’d add Jose Miranda in all leagues. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Miguel Sano Hit the IL with a knee sprain. Unclear when the injury occurred. His knee said nothing, just pointed up to Sano’s stomach.

Chris Paddack – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.15. Chris Paddack’s fixed! *sees he’s faced three garbage teams of four and has a 7.2 K/9* Um, sorta! It’s better than last year, but he’s far from exciting. He’s barely passable in matchups, but the Streamonator likes his next one, and I could see it. It is, after all, vs. the disgrA’s.

Jhoan Duran – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 3.00, and his 1st save. Halle Berrylujah, someone I picked up, who’s been good, actually got a save. It’s an early Christmas miracle. Praise to the Baldelli, all hail Rocco. Will Duran get the next save? How’s a strong maybe? Baldelli’s said all along he doesn’t believe in having a closer. Duran might get 20 saves the rest of the way, or not another for a month.

Tyler Wells – 5 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.50. Let Baby Jessica guide your fantasy baseball teams, and don’t fall into the Wells.

Paul Goldschmidt – 2-for-3 and his 2nd homer. Au Shizz!

Steven Matz – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.56. Streamonator loved this start, and hates his next one. I agree with the robot. That’s not to say I agree with The Robot, the dance.

Giovanny Gallegos – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 5.63. Not bad on six days of rest. Let’s see how he looks after two weeks of rest, and let Ryan Helsley close. No? Not my call to make? Oh well. Guess Gallegos is still the closer, but let’s see him in more than one game per week.

Zack Greenke – 6 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 1 K, ERA at 2.57. His K/9 is lower than his ERA. I will now cackle for fifteen minutes. At 14 1/2 minutes, I start to turn blue and medics are called. Hey, I’m good. I was just looking at Greinke’s 2.25 K/9. Welp, here we go again. *begins to cackle again* “You’re turning violet, Violet!” That’s medics making fun of my blue face color.

Pablo Lopez 4 2/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA up to 1.61. The Regression Fairies don’t wear white until Memorial Day and will ruin your ratios.

David Peralta – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer. David Peralta only seems to do anything on short schedule days when he might find himself on a fantasy team, and for that we thank him. Oddly enough, he can return to booty after our batty call.

Jordan Luplow 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st steal, and two homers on Sunday, hitting 2nd. Hot schmotato alert!

Zac Gallen – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 1.27. The Pitcher of the Month for April was a 65-way tie with 65 pitchers who had an 1.50 ERA or lower.

Gleyber Torres – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .239. Whoever secretly hypnotized Gleyber to think he was hitting vs. the Orioles, we raise our glass to you. Please put down your swaying watch fob. *raises arms* I must kill the queen? What’s going on with me?

Jordan Montgomery – 5 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.88, and this start was in Toronto, which had me super scared for JoMo, but JoMo’s got JoMomentum! And a dead ball.

Dylan Cease – 7 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, zero walks, 11 Ks, ERA at 2.48. Carpe Cease! Seize the Cease! Yeah, I’m a big fan, wrote a Dylan Cease sleeper post in the preseason, which seemed dumb at the time, and even dumber now, but I swear I was wearing my glasses which make me look very smart, so how dumb could it be? Hmm?

Patrick Sandoval – 6 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 1.29. This start, uh, started with him down two quick runs, and it looked like I wanted to throw my computer in the garbage while it was open to my fantasy team, but like all good starters, which Sandoval is one, he bared down, took off his shorts, and threw a solid final five innings. Sandoval was also a sleeper. In the preseason, Cease vs. Sandoval was a start I would’ve loved to see, and in-season, it was great, I think. I don’t know, MLB blacks me out of all Angels games. Very cool fan experience.

Jose Altuve – 0-for-3 as he was activated from the IL. Kevin from ESPN’s Get Him In Your Lineup Department said, “I didn’t realize Zoom calls were ‘mandatory pants.’”

Jake Odorizzi – 6 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.15. Is it okay to say I was rooting against this schmohawk? Lots of people grabbed him in my weekly leagues for his two-start week, and, well, let’s just say my voodoo doll is dusty for a reason. That shizz didn’t work at all. Next time I drink chicken blood and chant some shizz during a game.

Jordan Alvarez – 1-for-3 and his 7th homer. Captain Woo Cubano needs to hit out 50 homers this year for daddy, let’s go!

Jeremy Pena – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer. Bobby Witt Jr.! Julio Rodriguez! Steven Kwan? Sure, Steven Kwan! Just reciting everyone’s first-week-of-the-season Rookie of the Year predictions, and not mentioning the guy who’s been the best, Pena.

Marco Gonzales – 6 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 4.05. No Ks, bleh stuff. This guy manages to hide in plain-sight. Just under the surface. Marco…Gonzales…Marco…Gonzalez…Streamonator hates his next start, and I hate all his starts, so bleh.

Yandy Diaz – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 2nd homer. Didn’t see this homer, but Yandy’s launch angle makes me think Yandy hit it off the plate, which no one saw, and it bounced out.

Drew Rasmussen 5 IP, 1 ER, 1 hit, 1 walk, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.13. I’m all-in on Drew Rasmussen. I am fussin’ with the ‘mussen!

Daulton Jefferies 5 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 4.81. Muck around in the mud and eventually you get dirty.

Max Fried – 6 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.00 vs. Chris Bassitt – 7 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.61. This matchup was billed as, “One guy who went to Harvard-Westlake with Jack Flaherty and Lucas Giolito and one guy who answers to ‘What’s up, dog?”

Austin Riley – 2-for-4 and his 7th homer. An actual home run?! In 2022?! Am I dreaming?! Someone pinch me anywhere from the waist up! I must be dreaming! I said waist up! Watch it!

Mark Canha – 2-for-4 and his 1st homer. Canha’s first homer? Geez, at least he can laugh about it.

Robinson Cano Designated for assignment. This isn’t your slightly older brother’s Mets. Those Mets were run by the Wilpons and would’ve had Cano batting third. Now it’s up to the White Sox to sign him, and have La Russa bat him third. Or maybe the Astros will take a flyer on him, if Cano will play for a team that cheated. Would be a moral conflict for him, I’m sure. Seriously, though, Cano is a good litmus test for a major league front office. If your front office is interested, then you need to fire your GM. Unless it’s the Mariners, then they’d just be doing it to troll the Mets, and that’s fine.

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