Reid My Lips, No More Hits

No hitters are funny, aren’t they? They’re baseball at its finest. Baseball thrives off of statistical anomalies. It’s why there’s so many Jayson Stark-types that spit at ya stuff like, “This is the first time a player has hit into a double play while his 1st base coach was in the 1st base coach’s box talking on a bluetooth to his mistress, and other oddities. The no-hitter highlights the oddity. It takes great pitching to no-hit a team, but varying amounts of luck. Reid Detmers was on the leaning side of the scale for an extreme amount of luck. Well-struck balls right at fielders. Hit ’em where they ain’t the Rays ain’t did. It’s also incredibly funny that Detmers’s peripherals got worse from a no hitter, but you throw 9 IP, 0 ER, 1 walk and only two strikeouts, and that will happen. His ERA is now down to 3.77. A solid, unremarkable unhittable performance. One of baseball’s oddities. It’s another oddity that the highlight of a no-hitter was a home run by Anthony Rendon. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Anthony Rendon – 1-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer. Since it was a blowout, the natural righty, Rendon, took this at-bat as a lefty vs. the position player, Brett Phillips.

Mike Trout – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 8th and 9th homer, and three homers in two games. This guy’s pretty good. The Angels might want to keep him in the majors!

David Fletcher – Underwent surgery on his adductor muscle and might be out for the season. Oh clams!

Vidal Brujan – 0-for-3 as he was recalled from the minors. Picked up and dropped Vidal Brujan so many times you’d think I were the Rays. Hey, mirror, am I the Rays? Being told I am not. Weird. Brujan doesn’t seem likely to get everyday playing time, but he could work his way into it. Who am I kidding? The Rays don’t give anyone everyday playing time. Brujan does have speed for some steals.

Corey Kluber 3 IP, 8 ER, ERA at 4.55. Have no love for Kluber, but let me please also emphasize no one wants any part of the Angels right now.

Kyle Bradish – 7 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 4.24. Bradish was sitting 96, amped up to 98 MPH and that gets your boy to pay attention. He has an all-right-let’s-skip-to-the-left slider, and a nice over-the-top curve. Last night was in Busch — hey now! — but the Orioles’ new park is now a pitchers’ haven, and I could see Kyle Bradish getting some looks in 15-teamers and deeper, and a Streamonator for now in shallower, but absolutely monocle’ing like graverobbers once Peter Angelos goes down , since he’ll likely want to get buried with his money.

Cedric Mullins – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam (5) and legs (5). Mullins has the OCD thing going, always keeping his homers and steals similar. Cool stuff, also don’t step on the foul lines, homey.

Tyler Nevin – 1-for-4 and his 1st homer. Nevin has been platooning with Odor and they both stink.

Paul DeJong – Optioned to Triple-A. Damn, you really hate to see–WHOA!!! Nolan Gorman called up? How about now? How about now? HOW ABOUT NOW?!

Packy Naughton – 3 1/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 4.26. After the game, Packy went back to selling cigarettes to Massholes.

Harrison Bader – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, an inside-the-parker. One of the funniest things from baseball yesterday was watching Molina run in front of Bader. He had a two-base head start and he was nearly caught. The whole time Molina’s face read like he was Danny Glover in the Lethal Weapon movies.

Brendan Donovan – 1-for-3 and his 1st homer. In some ways, Harrison Bader homered twice, because Donovan looks like his long-lost twin. My Cards’ contact seems to think the best way forward for them is to platoon Donovan and Gorman, because the latter’s strikeouts are insane, and Donovan isn’t great with any one thing, but is a better real-life player. At this point, I just want Gorman up.

Gavin Sheets – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Hot schmotato? Holy Sheets yeah!

Josh Naylor – 2-for-4 and his 5th homer, and three homers in two games. You can wait until he stops hitting homers to pick him up, but that kinda defeats the purpose. PURPOSE! If any dolphins are reading, I am not defeating you. Please don’t attack me.

Frankie Montas – 6 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.77. This was possibly the most unlucky I’ve seen a pitcher all year. This was so unlucky — audience refrain, “How unlucky was it?!” — it was so unlucky Tucker Barnhart had a bunt single.

Adrian Martinez – 5 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 3 Ks in his MLB debut. He is a career 4.47 ERA pitcher in the minors. So, he should slot in as the 3rd best A’s pitcher.

Jonathan Schoop – 3-for-7, 2 runs and his 2nd homer. Beat writer relayed some news that Schoop said he’s seeing the ball well right now. That’s per, uh, Schoop on the down low.

Tarik Skubal – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.94. How could would my fantasy teams’ ERAs be if I only started guys vs. the A’s? Sorry, that was meant for Siri. Continue on.

Alex Faedo – 5 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.60. Ironically, Faedo can’t throw that many innings, but he is so stretched out.

Kyle Wright 4 2/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 3.03. Hey, I’m just going to leave this Fanta on the counter of this bar I found on Best Terrorist Bars dot com and use the restroom, would you watch my drink? Thanks, pal! *five hours later* …whoa, I must’ve fallen asleep…Hey, why is my face on that mannequin?! AHHH!!! Roofie!

Travis d’Arnaud – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .309. Le Terminator said, “I’m back,” as he mimed what the ball might be saying after he hit it.

Rafael Devers – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .315. True story, I was thisclose to saying to sell Devers because of his Launch Angle, but it’s come up in the last week. See, it still really is early. Except for Whit Merrifield, that guy is toast.

Garrett Whitlock – 3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 2.19. Was gonna say something but saw Danish followed him, and had to go get a snack. Sorry.

John Schreiber – 2 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 0.00, and his 1st save. The Red Sox have a wheel of Fortune in their dugout, and they spin it every 8th inning, and everyone chants, “No Matt Barnes!”

Will Smith – Out of lineup, dealing with pectoral discomfort. Maybe it happened from slapping Chris Rock.

Tony Gonsolin 5 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 4 BBs, 5 Ks, ERA at 1.33. Can you sell him? Then I would. I’d be Tony Gon-sellin’.

Justin Turner – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 4 RBIs. Hope you listened to Anime Gray and held Turner:

Luis Urias – 1-for-3 and his 2nd homer. Well, yeah, he was going against Hunter Greene, the Home Run Allowed Machine.

Hunter Greene – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners (4 BBs), 6 Ks, ERA at 7.62. Reds might consider rethinking hiring Homer Bailey to teach Greene how to keep the ball in the park.

Patrick Corbin – 5 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners (4 BBs), 5 Ks, ERA at 6.06. He was walking between raindrops the whole night and it wasn’t raining.

Yusei Kikuchi – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.15. Streamonator says his next start is vs. the Mariners and Robbie Ray. Awkward!

George Springer 2-for-4 and his 7th homer, hitting .291. Jays are such a high-powered offense, and the one Jays player I don’t have is Springer, and he’s been the aforementioned high-powered.

Aaron Judge – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 10th homer, and his first career walk-off. He had the fifth most homers without a walk-off. Oddities, man!

Giancarlo Stanton – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 7th homer, hitting .259. I wonder if he can feel my thoughts.

C.J. Abrams – Optioned to the minors. Welp, he sucked. My love for CJ: Can’t Justify.

Mike Clevinger – 4 1/3 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 5.00. Wanna get Wins? Find the guy who pitches the 5th inning for good teams. Two more outs, Tingler! You rat-faced bastage!

Alfonso Rivas – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, and his 1st hit in ten days. I’ve been closely watching The River Fonz because he has a great OBP (.405), but his next great attribute is batting average. Ayyy, kinda boring.

Alex Wood – 5 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.60. Giants are such a bizarre team they scored nine runs and their star last night was their pitcher, who didn’t even pitch that well.

Dylan Floro – 1 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 27.00. I know it pays to be the first person to the waiver wire to pick up a new closer, but it feels like it never pays. Just absolute hardship. Like no man on earth has felt before. The pain of thinking you got a new closer, and it blows up in your face. Worst imaginable pain. I’m inconsolable.

Jesus Luzardo 2 2/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 4.03. It was a nice night to forget all your young pitchers on your bench.

Jorge Soler – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, and 2nd homer in four games. Anyone who watched the playoffs last year can tell you when Soler gets hot, it’s Soler-powered.

Madison Bumgarner – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 1.78. Mason Saunders can’t even believe his ERA is that low.

Paul Sewald – 1 1/3 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 3.86, and his 1st save. The beginning of a long fruitful closer career or he won’t get his next save for a month? I’m leaning on the latter, like a smoking teamster.

Robbie Ray – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 4.22. The ERA and less-than-six innings don’t even matter to me. I’m so happy to see strikeouts. Bless your unable-to-breath ass pants!

Jean Segura – 1-for-3, 2 runs, and his 5th homer, hitting .295, and his 3rd homer in three games. From tight pants to hot Jean’s, are we in a fantasy baseball roundup or my closet?

Rhys Hoskins 1-for-4 and his 4th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games, hitting .212. Rhysus, Mary and thank God he didn’t turn into Caleb Joseph!

Mitch Garver Hit the IL with a flexor sprain. Mitch Garver’s body is a Rube Goldberg machine connected to his balls, and ever since he had nut surgery, he’s been kaputz. This gives Jonah Heim some more playing time. That reminds me, whatever happened to Michael Cera?

Corey Seager – 2-for-3, and his 5th and 6th homer. I said to hit one home run if you received my package of smelling salts for Semien. What does two homers mean?

Martin Perez – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.10, and three unearned runs. Oh, you know your shizz is charmed when the only runs you give up are unearned. Streamonator hates his next one, and I don’t disagree. Jesse from Breaking Bad, “He can’t keep getting away with this!”

Justin Verlander – 8 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 1.55. We have a list of the top 100 starts. It’s not updated until after this post goes live, but I bet (not money, something much more valuable, like my dignity) that Verlander’s start ends up above Detmers’s no-hitter. Oddity, man.

Joe Ryan 4 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 2.56. The Regression Fairies are in a Dear Evan Hansen fan club and they will destroy your ratios.

Carlos Correa – Hit the IL with his bruised finger that he’s saying isn’t injured because he signed a contract that he can opt-out of after this year, and he was hoping to get out of Minnesota with an even bigger deal—Excuse me! What I meant to say is: His finger is sore. This is good news for your Royce Lewis shares.

Chris Paddack – Seeking additional opinions about his elbow and surgery is on the table. Well, yeah, would be weird if it was on, say, a lunch counter.

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