Sears Tools The O’s Like A Veteran Craftsman

A sheet attached to a building is covering something in front of the Sears sign on a storefront. The closer we look we see I’m standing on the letter S of Sears. I wave like Forrest Gump. Screaming now, “Okay, when I jump, make sure you film this reveal, because it’s going to be spectacular! …and 1…2…3!” Holding onto the end of the sheet, I jump off the S and Tarzan down the side of the building. Then, the sheet gets to its natural conclusion and, rather than revealing under the sheet the big surprise, it leaves me dangling ten feet off the ground. “Um, a little help.” Cougs puts down the camera and yanks on my feet, and I scream, “Yanks! Perfect!” I fall to the ground, and the sheet covers me, but now it’s revealed that the sheet was covering a spraypainted JP in front of Sears. So, JP Sears (5 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks) had his major league debut. It was vs. the Orioles, so the salt is out to count grains, but he looked fantastic. He has a 93-95 MPH fastball, decent slider and change, and elite command. That’s the JP Sears catalog of pitches. Yanks also have five starters in the rotation, so, with those going out of business sales on Sears, don’t expect refunds. Whether he stays in the rotation or not, he’s someone to keep an eye on, because the elite command plays everywhere. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Giancarlo Stanton Hit the IL with a calf strain, after going for an MRI. Giancarlo goes for a lot of MRIs that lead to only a day-to-day injury that lasts five months. Miguel Andujar (2-for-3, 1 RBI, and 1st steal) got yesterday’s start in left, and I say, hmm…then cough, then look for him in 15-team mixed leagues and deeper.

Jonathan Loaisiga – Hit the IL with shoulder inflammation. Brûléed lasagna. Not good chef.

Robbie Ray – 6 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 4.75. Robbie Ray’s pitching this year has made it impossible for me to wear pants that are three sizes too small in solidarity with him. I’m very sorry. Far from an awful start, but vs. the A’s? C’mon, he has to earn the privilege for me to wear uncomfortably tight pants! At this point, Robbie Ray’s gotta go out and throw a 9-inning, CG SHO with 17 Ks to even make it worth me opening up the Spanx website.

Seth Brown – 2-for-3 and a slam (5) and legs (4). This homer was off Ray. Not the first time Ray’s heard Brown was a stain on an otherwise clean line.

Elvis Andrus – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, and his 2nd homer in as many games. Elvis has left the building! (Then re-entered and left it again. Make up your mind, man!)

Paul Blackburn – 5 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners (5 BBs), 2 Ks, ERA at 1.70. Brown lifting up the green and gold for Blackburn and are we Carvaggio creating chiaroscuro effects?! You know what’s pretty cool that doesn’t hurt at all? Blackburn was free in all drafts and he’s out there beating Robbie Ray, my ace.

Harold Castro – 3-for-4, and his 2nd and 3rd homer, and three homers in the last week. Hot schmocastro alert!

Jeimer Candelario – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .192. Ya know what’s pretty unrosterable? A guy who homers once every ten games and does nothing else. Get hot or eff off!

Joe Ryan Hit the Covid IL. Damn, Tom Clancy’s writing is rote.

Trevor Larnach – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. Was a preseason monocle and now he’s become a monocle with a long, ornate gold chain attached to my belt.

Dylan Bundy – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.54. Bundy’s doing what he always does: Awful ERA and solid peripherals. Gotta hand it to Bundy, even with dead balls, in a homer-suppressing park, and against the weaksauce Tigers, he still manages to have a home run allowed problem. Good on you, Bundy, for keeping it real.

Anthony Bender – Hit the IL with back stiffness. From the ‘closer opening window’ to the Floro! ‘Til the sweat drips down Aroldis’s forehead to the ball-o. I’d look at Dylan Floro, but could be Cole Sulser or Anthony Bass. The latter at least sticks with the fish theme. Tanner Scott might even see saves. Yeah, it’s a mess.

Jorge Soler – 1-for-4 and his 9th homer, and missed a 2nd homer by about four feet — so one conjoined twin — and any time Soler hits one homer, he’s capable of hitting a handful in a week, so if he’s available, so …ler.

Manuel Margot – 1-for-3 as he was activated from the IL. If Manny was dropped, Manny should be grabbed if you need steals, because Manny’s money for the need-of-the-runny. Damn! Did not land that rhyme.

Drew Rasmussen – 5 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA and 2.68. For this week, this constituted a good pitching performance on my teams. *raises glasses* Here’s to better days…*drinks arsenic*

Harold Ramirez – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, and 2nd homer in as many games, and thinking about picking up Harold Castro and Harold Ramirez and renaming my fantasy team, “Out with the Old, in with the Harold.”

Colin Poche – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 1.29, and his 1st save, as he looked about as iffy as one can look getting a save. Yes, he got the first post-Kittredge save, and, no, he’s not the Rays’ closer suddenly. He could get the next save, or five other guys could.

CJ Crohn’s – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 12th homer, hitting .314. Hmm, Manuel Margot looks like 50 Cent, Cron’s name is Curtis Jackson and Cron’s hitting .314 which is Pi, which is short for 50 Cent’s song, PIMP That can’t be a coincidence. *tin foil hat falls off*

Jack Suwinski – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and a slam (5) and legs (1), hitting .188. Was watching this game (yes, the Pirates — my eyes, please think of my eyes!), and Suwinski’s got a nice little stroke to right field. Solid line drive, out-in-a-flash homer. Don’t think he exceeds 15 homers on the year, but he appears to be more than just a service time manipulation placeholder for NL-Only leagues.

Ronald Acuña Jr. – Out with tightness in his quad. Incredible. Protect him between games by wrapping him inside Pablo Sandoval’s bodysuit like Leo in The Revenant bear.

William Contreras – 1-for-2, 2 runs and his 7th homer, hitting .273. He has 7 homers in 39 at-bats. Um, no, I don’t know what you’re waiting for either.

Dansby Swanson -4-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .268. He hit 2nd yesterday. Snitker must’ve been kicked in the head and it knocked some sense into him.

Austin Riley 2-for-4 and his 9th homer, hitting .244. I wish I didn’t feel like he might be a .250 hitter, rather than this was just being an early season thing.

Charlie Morton – 4 1/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 5.28 vs. Ranger Suarez – 4 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.74. This matchup was billed as, “Are you going to go down with the ship on both of these guys or try to find better arms on waivers or in trades?” Long billing, but pretty apt.

Cristian Javier – 5 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.43. You might be like, “Grey, handsome face, but I can’t believe you didn’t do the lede about Javier’s start yesterday.” I try to avoid doing two for the same guy, unless my thoughts have changed, and Daddy already gave you a Cristian Javier fantasy. I loved him then, I love him now. I said, no foolsies.

Joey Votto – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer, and a triple, and this was about the time last year he got scalding. Joey’s out of the pouch and punching!

Luis Castillo – 5 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.35. Ended up being an okay start, and he got the win, but, even that brought with it two 1st-inning runs so my ulcer was flaring big-time. Can I get a win without bloodying up my ulcer?

Hunter Strickland – 1 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 5.60, and his 1st save as Art Warren pitched a clean 8th. Can I bet the under for ten saves for any Reds reliever? Is that possible somewhere because I want to do that.

Rich Hill – 5 IP, 2 ER, 3 baserunners, 1 K, ERA at 3.86. His only blemish was a homer to Jake Burger (his 3rd). Reminds me of Hamburger Hill. What a great movie. Bummer not streaming anywhere. Not the movie, I’m saying it’s a shame I’m not streaming Aaron Bummer. Was that confusing?

Mitch Garver – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer, and his 3rd homer in as many games, and 17 homers in 6 games. Brucely, what are we doing here? Is the MLB run by some back-room, cigar-smoking catchers’ union that is propping up all catchers? Okay, it’s obvious this is going on. Johnny Bench, is this you?

Kole Calhoun – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam (7) and legs (1). Another guy who has 45 homers this month. At some point, he’ll cool off. Wait for that moment to pick him up, and you’re not doing things exactly right.

Reid Detmers 6 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.65. He didn’t pitch a no-hitter this year, right? I imagined that, right?

Lucas Giolito – 6 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners (4 BBs), 7 Ks, ERA at 2.63. Wow, no 4-homer game by Story vs. Giolito to raise his ERA by five runs? Are we sure? It can’t be!

Erick Fedde – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.55. Fedde WAP! That’s the very common acronym, Withoutlookingituphe’slikelybeen Atleastalittleluckywithhis Pitching.

Julio Urias – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, ERA at 2.49. His K/9 and BB/9 are 6.5 and 2.1, and I can’t get my team ERA down in a league with Mahle, Robbie Ray and Cobb! Okay, sure, whatever. FRUSTRATING!

Aaron Ashby – 5 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.91. Ya know what’s pretty comical? I’m relying on guys like Ashby and Jeffrey Springs to lower the ERAs of Robbie Ray and Dylan Cease. Just very, very funny. *dons a potato sack and walks out into traffic*

Yu Darvish – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.76. You can’t tell me there’s no luck involved in this shizz. I had Darvish last year and he was the worst pitcher ever, and now he’s completely respectable. Clearly, I’m feeling very shook coming off that Robbie Ray gets hit by the friggin’ disgrA’s.

Jake Junis – 6 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.76. More like Jake Mayis! Ah, that deserves a nap! *shuts eyes for 5 seconds, claps hands* I’m back! Ya know what kind of year Junis is having? The kind that every Gaints’ starter usually has. Just start them at home all the time and reap the benefits. Streamonator says he’s away next time out and I’d be careful.

Joc Pederson – 1-for-2, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer, and 4th homer in two days, and I repeat what I said yesterday, “I know it’s inaccurate, but it feels like Joc Pederson hits 30 homers every year, and they’ re all hit in the matter of 10 games.” And that’s me quoting me!

Mike Jastrzemski – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. Carl’s Jr. Jr. was hitting third yesterday — Yazterday? I’m so sorry for that. — and the Giants are the kind of club who could have a different three-hole hitter every game.

Evan Longoria – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 1st and 2nd homer. The one positive note about L0ngoria going deep twice while not being on your fantasy team is that he’s likely on no fantasy team.

Francisco Lindor – 2-for-4 and his 8th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. There was a part of me looking at Lindor in the preseason and thinking, “That’s about four rounds later than just last year, what are we doing here? I should draft him in all leagues.” That part of me was drowned up by the 98% of me that was saying, “Dur!” And just ramming my head into a wall.

Thomas Szapuki – 1 1/3 IP, 9 ER, as he was called up by the Mets. Szapuki missed his calling as an NHL forward. “Just glad to help out the team,” Szapucki smiles, revealing a grin that’s missing five teeth. If the hockey thing doesn’t work for you, Szapucki sounds like a character created by Garry Marshall. 1950s teenagers standing in a drive-thru parking lot, just then everyone sees a car pull up that went through a car wash with its windows down, and at the same time everyone realizes who did it, “Szapucki!” Szapucki opens the door and water pours out. Laugh track hits. So, Szapucki is coming off ulnar nerve surgery, has no command, homers allowed problem, and can’t go deep into games. Other than that? Sure! At least he washes his car!

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